im glad I wore my corset, as I too fear my sides may of split

sarcasm is the lowest................oh. suit yourselves

The Lone Ranger


The Lone Ranger was captured by an enemy Indian war party. The chief proclaims "So you are the great Lone Ranger. I will execute you in three days but before I do, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone ranger says "I'd like to speak to my horse"

The chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear. Silver then gallops off and returns an hour later with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night there. Next morning the Indian chief admits he is impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I am still going to kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought before him and he again whispers in his ear. Silver gallops across the plains and disappears over the horizon. That evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver returns with a brunette even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night with him.

The following morning the chief is again impressed "You are indeed a brave man of many talents, with a very clever horse, but tomorrow you die. What is your last request?" the Lone Ranger says "I want to speak to my horse.................alone" The chief is curious, but agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye, and says loudly "Listen very carefully you deaf old dumb ass horse......................

.............. For the last time........Bring possee !!!"

Cloning Dangers

I can already see it coming: First they'll start letting people clone
their family pets, then some owners will be unhappy with the results,
and the next thing you know, we'll have a bunch of copycat killings.........

Irish Suicide Attacks

In response to threats of suicide attacks, security guards at Dublin airport have been taking away passengers' belts and shoelaces

I had a cat called Minton who swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton!

Bloody Hell I must be rubbing off on you....................

According to the opinion polls, and a Mr Brown's popularity, Labour has increased its lead over the Conservatives. I'm think we're all jolly lucky to have the prospect of a Labour Government getting in at the next election so it can sort out the financial mess Britain has got itself into...................

Brazil is building a "intimidating man-made structure" beside the airport to welcome people to the Rio 2016 Olympics

Visitors to Glasgow for the Commonwealths in 2014 will be met with something similar: Glasgow

The Housemartins have begun building a nest in the eves of my house. At first I thought it was swallows, but then Norman Cook knocked at the door asking to borrow my ladder.

I've just come back from a pleasure trip.....I drove the in-laws to the airport...

I went in to a travel agents as asked where I could go for £50. He told me.

New Elderly Care Programme

The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand. Join the new free care plan today, If you are 65 years or older you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without. As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.

There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!

New teeth needed? No problem.

New glasses? They'll be provided.

New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too.

And who will pay for all of this? The same governments that told you they cannot afford your current health care. And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.

Britain. A GREAT country or what?

i understand that

I dont isnt norman cook fat boy slim?