Squiffys Sidespliters 
Yesterday I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind.
I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of banknotes.
He offered me a reward, but I refused.
So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to with a word of advice for you.
Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.
"No" he whispered back "I went there yesterday evening - the food was crap and the dessert selection extremely limited.".
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
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